Love Dont Live Here Anymore

Love somehow moved out after I did, love was tired,
so was I.
I have had love dangling in front of my face, a tease of some sort. Na na na a boo boo, you can’t have this. With promises of more. I have been fed lies and led to believe something other than the truth. At times I have done this to people, haven’t we all at one point or another. My thoughts were consumed with possibilities, hopes that were stepped on and thrown in the recycle. Now not bitter just basically done. Love don’t live here anymore, I have fought the good fight, I have stayed the course and some just didn’t play fare. Here I am today pumping my single fist not saying I am closed to love just put a hold on it for now. I have been hurt, left off somewhere between Bellevue and my therapist. I have slowly pieced me back together, so why would I want to go through that again. I wish I could stay in the gooey stage before we realized each other faults. Before we got to the core of the bull shit. Love well that’s a two letter word and a relationship well that’s a whole different conversation. I can’t even maintain a healthy relationship with my bank, let alone with another person. But I am hopeful one day we will meet at this place again. When I am ready to take my hold off and invite love in to stay.

Feelings for Pepper

Pepper this has taken too much thought. I have spent time with you, tried to be sweet to you. Make you smile, giving you space cause I never wanted to crowd you. But I am just not feeling it anymore. Its like I am confused, your words and actions are contradictory. Which to believe? At times you seem to let me in on what’s going on, other times you seem like you want me to leave you alone. From the moment I saw you something about you pulled me in, wanted to be around you and you said the same. Why does it seem like no time was ever spent? I am not usually very expressive when it comes to casual interactions however, seeing you yesterday was a glimpse into what things are going to be like. Am I going to pass you and act like you were not my pepper for a time? Act like I didn’t beat that ass in bowling ? Or Act like our lips never touched? I don’t know. I think so. I use to always keep the way I felt to myself but this time I decided to say how I felt. How would you ever know that I did care about you and just wanted to kiss those places where others left traces of pain. I know you have been hurt, I can tell however just know this; everybody isn’t trying to run games on you. Open up Pepper and let people see the best part of you that you hide.

-MYS

Blog

Its 10:57, so much is going on in my mind. As I sit here thinking about life and work. Do I want to post something so personal on this myspace blog. I don’t think anyone is really going to read it anyway, you know some folks just look at the pictures.

Working 50 hours a week, going to school fulltime and trying to maintain my sanity is a very hard thing to do. Then you add dating in there and the equation is all mixed up. I want to know why people complain about there being any good women left and when they find a good women they push her away. I don’t know why. I am sitting here in a state of pure happiness and disbelief. Time is flying and I am already looking back on things I would do differently like:

-I would say sorry even if it wasn’t my fault
-take more chances with my heart (its suppose to get broken)
-tell the people in my life that I love them
-follow my heart even if it left me on my ass
-forgive those that hurt me and hope the ones I hurt do the same
-get my hair wet instead of worrying about it getting messed up
-jump in a puddle of water with my pumps on just because
-not think about sexual partners they say when your turn 30 you forget anyway
-reach for the sky and be OK with grabbing a cloud
-I would say what was in my heart inside of what was in my head

I have learned that you have to walk away from people, sometimes it just bad timing. I wish I would of seized those moments of bliss, when we were in that gooey stage before getting to the core of the bullshit. I wish I wouldn’t have asked so many questions and just went along for the ride.

Today however I feel differently. I have never had so much peace of mind and assurance. Sometimes I look in the mirror and say WOW, the beauty I capture inside is radiating on the outside. However, I yearn for her, how she will reach out for me a quarter past three in the morning. A am a solo star however, I would love to shine brighter with someone else One day.